Monday, June 29, 2009
Waiting for the Rain
"Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you" Luke 11:9
My husband I have prayed for two years about a job for him. But there have been no answers, no interviews, no calls, no nibbles. We've fasted and pleaded about this issue, but heaven has been silent. Hopeless and in despair, I stopped asking God to provide a job for Blake. "What's the use?" I thought.
Last Sunday, my pastor preached about Elijah. For many years, there had been a famine in the land of Samaria. Wadis were dry, cattle were dying, crops were destroyed. In 1 Kings 18, after God, through Elijah, had defeated the prophets of Baal, Elijah began to pray for rain. On top of Mt. Carmel, Elijah got on his face to petition God. Six times he sent his young servant to go look for a cloud; six times the servant replied, "There's nothing" (18:43). Elijah kept praying expectantly; on the seventh trip, the servant reported there was a cloud "as small as a man's hand coming from the sea" (18:44). And then it rained. In fact, the Bible says, 'there was a downpour" (18:45).
Deeply convicted, I realized that I had been expecting the downpour, but hadn't gone looking for the wisp of cloud. But giving up on prayer, being discouraged when answers don't come, isn't the way God wants me to live. Giving up is based on sight, not faith. Giving up doesn't give God time to work, both in circumstances and in my heart. Andy giving up doesn't teach me to hold my Savior's hand when times are dark.
Patience in prayer. It's difficult to wait sometimes, especially when we are so desperate for His aid, His guidance, His answer, But Jesus tells us to "ask....search....knock" (Luke 11:9). Giving up, complaining, being angry - all these are just not options for us. Besides, these responses give our enemy a toehold to speak lies into our hearts. Let's keep knocking on heaven's door, patiently waiting for our Father's perfect plan. His perfect timing, to unfold. He is always working always for our best.
Steps of Faith
Lord, help me to know that You are doing something beautiful in me. Being patient, waiting for the rain, isn't easy, so hold my hand, Jesus, when I can't see.
Deeper Walk: Luke 11: 5 - 13
While this devotional has comforted my heart, I must also be real enough to say I am really struggling. It's an "antsiness" (sp?) I can't describe; BUT, from what I just read, "Giving up, complaining, being angry - all these are just not options for us. Besides, these responses give our enemy a toehold to speak lies into our hearts."
What keeps coming to my mind is how close I am to celebrating 11 years of sobriety (July 7th). I also know that satan has been working OVER-TIME to destroy my marriage. Amazingly, absolutely AMAZINGLY, what he has meant to destroy has somehow...AMAZINGLY brought Chris and I closer than ever before. I don't know what all this means, and I am rambling.... I just wanted to share with you how the Lord showed me this morning that He is here with us.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The last year of our life, though, has been one valley after another. Our marriage has been put to the test in more ways than one, our finances are constantly being put to test, our health... every aspect of our lives have been attacked. Right now there have been several surgeries, with more to come, Kayla is dealing with issues, Christopher has had a rough couple of weeks...... Actually, Christopher has had many rough weeks with emotional break downs, screaming, hitting, attacking, kicking.... its been a nightmare. The last two times I've been to Sunday School/Church I have been called out and another time they let him sit and play in one of the offices with a hand held computer game. Today, they had to keep the child gate up because he kept darting out the door. During one of his break outs, the worker that was trying to contain him received a few good kicks. In his range he flipped over a table in the room also.
This morning's Sunday School lesson was on Confidence, being "confident" in Christ, know what you know what you know.... . We also talked about doubting. I wanted to just scream out and cry.... "I'm doubting this very moment!" "What am I doing so wrong that I can't get a break?!" If the Lord is really for me, then why is He allowing the c-r-a-p to come into our lives. If He would just SHOW me what I need to learn, then I'd be glad to learn from it. I honestly can not take any more. I'm tired of struggling financially, I am tired of all the sickness and surgeries and medications, I am tired of going without, I am tired of my son's rage, I am tired of praying over a van that is falling apart, I am tired of seeing so many people succeed around me.... what am I do doing wrong? What? I am just so full of jealousy.
Usually I am able to work through all those "feelings" I've just shared, but I am really having a tough time working through them. It is taking every ounce of energy I have to keep from losing my mind over my son. I have been video taping him in his fits of rage. I'll take them with me to the appointment in August to see the Pediatric Neuro-Psychologist. There are only two of them in Escambia/Santa Rosa County, hence the appointment being made so far out. My heart is breaking, my husband's heart is breaking... the entire house hold is being affected by this little boys rage. I keep telling myself, "oh I could really go for a glass of wine." I finally shared this with my husband after today's craziness. For me, one glass of wine to simply "unwind" would turn into two, or three... then the next will be four or five, until next who knows. I know I don't want to go back to that lifestyle, but I also know I really can not take it any more. I don't know what the solution is, I feel lost, hopeless, and weary, and today, I really, really want a drink.
I really don't think I can take one more thing. I just want to go to sleep.
I really try to have positive and encouraging posts, and I am sorry for not being that way today. Some of you might read this and never come back, and for that I am sorry. I just needed to share my heart, to be real, in hopes that there is a mom, or even a dad out there, who can relate, and share with me how they got through, or are getting through.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
For some reason, my blogger won't let me arrange my pictures, so you are looking at these from the end, to the beginning! Sorry about that. If you are like me, and you like to see things in proper time order, just scroll down and then scroll up! My favorite pictures are of Mammow painting Kaitlyn's finger nails and toe nails! It was very overwhelming and such a blessing. These pictures are priceless. Enjoy!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Today, while I am thankful for all I've mentioned, I'm especially thankful for my husband, who loves Kayla like she was his. That's a tough thing to do. It was me and Kayla for over 11 years. We had things "fixed" just the way we like it, the "WHAM," the love bug strikes! I think it took us all by surprise! He provides for her, pays for her medical and dental insurance, he is doing the things that her biological father has never done. For that I am eternally grateful.
Today is also a hard day for so many as their dad's aren't here anymore. While I have not experienced this pain specifically, my only thoughts are that there is a "Father in Heaven" that loves and adores you. If you don't know Him today, email me. I'd love to introduce you to Him!
Blessings to you today.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Chris is recovering from sinus surgery. He worked for 3 hours on Thursday and 4 1/2 hours on Friday. He gets really tired easily, which is to be expected after major surgery. His tummy is still causing some serious problems. He drank some chocolate milk last night and literally thought he was dying. He has a three hour gall bladder test on Monday. We hope to find out if that is what is causing him all the problems.
Kayla is enrolled in the Home School Co-Op Program for her Senior year that meets at Olive. She's not thrilled, but I am just not able to do her justice with all the health issues and life issues going on. I'm excited for her as she will have involvement in other kids. I'm also signing up for the home school support group...WFHESL so she will have field trips, meet other kids, take part in a graduation ceremony and prom. That's probably more important for me for her to have than it is to her, but something that I believe is necessary.
We are under a heat wave warning this weekend. Tomorrow's high is 99 degrees! It's been miserable. Dread that heat index....
We haven't figured out what we are going to do for Father's Day for Chris. He is so limited to what he can eat, so we'll just play it by ear.
We actually have no where at all to be today, first time in I don't know how long. I have a few pies/casseroles to make for a lady at church, oh and one AVON delivery..... so I do have stuff to do, but nothing that is pressed and rushing. Nice.
I still have many, many pictures to post from Mammow's visit to Pensacola, the kids playing in their kiddie pool and just some odds and end pictures.... it just takes so long to upload them. I will work on them some this evening though.
Time for "AskAida" on food network! We have like the most basic of cable, so how we get the Food Network is beyond me, but I'm thankful. She's really good and teaches much information!
Gotta get my chickens roasting for my pies. Oh, I have almost 7 days of "Give-A-Way's" lined up for the week of July 25th marking six months to Christmas! Make sure you check back for the schedule.
Have a great Saturday wherever you are!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Proverbs 16:9 tells me a man's heart plans his way, BUT the Lord directs his steps. I want my plans to be in sync with the Lord's plans and I want His desires for my life to be my desires.
Taking the kids to the Summer Movies at the Rave this morning. Thankful the Rave offers these FREE movies every week! Give the kids a nice outing, and again, IT'S FREE! Woohoo!
I am so enjoying selling AVON. I am learning more and more every day. I even find myself watching other advertisements about other products to compare, research and question. This is so not me. I have never cared about what moisturizer works with what skin.... or what color goes with what skin type. I am having a blast with it. You can sign into my AVON site and do a free beauty profile.
Also, I am lining up some GREAT give-a-ways for a WEEK of GIVE-A-WAYS in July to celebrate "Christmas In July!" My Pastor, Ted Traylor is donating a couple of his CD sets, I've contacted several others music CD's, some Mary Kay products, and, of course, AVON products! I'll give you the dates once I have everything lined up. I hope you will keep checking back with me. I have had several people contact me saying they couldn't leave comments on my blog because of the "security code" problems. IF you have problems leaving comments on my blog, please email me at email@example.com so I can address this problem BEFORE the give-a-way!
Gotta get ready for our FREE MOVIE at the RAVE! Woohoo!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Maggie left a comment/link to my blog on her fb page...thanks Maggie for entering! I am surprised that only five people entered to win...what's up with that?! Doesn't anybody want something for FREE anymore?!
Next give-a-way will be July 25th for a Christmas in July celebration! I'm hoping to make it a week long give-a-way, but that depends on who I can get to help me with this!
Chris had his surgery follow up this morning. Dr. Reisburg took this long suctioning tube and suctioned all that nasty stuff out... nasty. I know, more information than you probably needed to know. Sorry. Anyway, Chris is breathing through BOTH nostrils for the first time in 20 years!! No kidding! Isn't that fabulous! His left side is still swollen and a little bruised, he still hurts really bad and his head is still killing him. We hope as time goes on and all that stuff gets drained out that the headaches will subside. Thanks for the many prayers.
Maggie, congratulations on the IronMan win! I'll deliver it to you Friday afternoon... I'll also fb you in case you don't see this.
Blessings to each of you today.
I'll announce tonight the winner of the IronMan Cologne set! If you are interested in having your name in the drawing, leave a comment here, or you can go to your facebook page, put a link on your home page, just make sure you email me so I know about it!
I'm already working on one for July 25th.... "Christmas in July!" Woohoo! I love Christmas and start counting down from there. :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Now, the deadline to enter is 3:00 P.M. Central Time on MONDAY, June 15th!
Make sure you leave an email address in your comment so I can contact you. If your time stamp is picked and you don't leave me an email address, then we'll pick another one.
Update: If you do not have a blogger account or google account, feel free to post a link on your facebook page, just make sure to write on my wall so I'll know to check out the link and add your name to the drawing!
Friday, June 12, 2009
"We need your help!
We have just over 3 months left before the best charitable golf
tournament in the Panhandle. We are still looking for sponsors,
players, auction items, door prizes, etc. The charities that benefit
from this event need your help now more than ever!! Please consider
attending or helping in any way possible. More information to come
regarding the great auction (live and silent) that will be part of
Main charities this year are; Gulf Coast Kids House, Council on Aging, and Child Guardian, Inc. The website is: www.pcogolf.org
Panhandle Charitable Open
If you are interested in helping, please call Sherry at the above number. Also, door prizes.... I'm putting together a couple AVON baskets, if you own a business, or sell other products, please help in this area. Thank you!
Long night last night; kids were nuts, but that was to be expected after they didn't see us all day.
Some friends of ours brought us dinner from Sonny's last night and other class members are bringing for tonight and tomorrow. I'm thankful for that.
Kids are in and out....gotta run. Thanks for the prayers.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Kids are going crazy already this morning, so I'm off. We have AVON books to go hang on doors today. We are also going to go see Kung Fu Panda at the Rave. They have a free summer series that blesses us every summer.
Walking in Him today.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I realized a few days ago, when I was first confronted with this "pain," that I didn't run. The Stacey prior to salvation a little over 10 years ago, would have ran and ran fast without thinking twice. "Thank you Lord for not even letting that cross my mind." I also realized a person can't always realize how much they love a person until they are hurt by that person. That alone, while the pain was real, made my love grow stronger.
I've never been in one place for long. We moved every few years with the military growing up. The longest I ever stayed anywhere was growing up in Christian City Children's Home in Union City, GA (I was there from 12 to 17), until now. I came to Pensacola on June 20, 1996. I had no where to go and bullied my way into my mom's house. Noone wanted much to do with me because I drank too much, cussed like a sailor and worse, smoked pot, was a thief and jumped from one bed to another. This June 20th I'll be in Pensacola for 13 years. I'm thankful I'm not running any more.
Psalm 147:3 says, "He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds..." The Lord gave me that scripture in January of 2000 while on a prayer walk at Pensacola Beach. He told me He would be my great big band-aid and that "He would heal my hurts." He has been faithful in doing so.
I sit here, though, in amazement at His goodness though. The pain that radiated so deep in my inner most parts seems to have vanished. Forgiveness has already come and been voiced, steps of mending have been made, unity seems more so than ever before.... even the doubt is gone. wow. Is that crazy?
I can only attribute that to a few things, what the Lord told me at that Most Excellent Way meeting two Tuesday's ago, that I can either "retailiate in the flesh, or submit to the Spirit." Regardless how much I was hurting, what I knew I didn't want was to be separated from the Father. I believe that night, He began the healing process, the very night the pain was inflicted. The other thing I believe, is that people are praying for me that don't even know me. Only three people know the depths of hurt over the last few weeks, yet I have had several emails and people stop me to say how heavy I and my family have been on their hearts and that they had been praying for me. Man that's Jesus!
There's a song I have been thinking about for the last hour or two, and I can't remember all the words. I'm going to try finding it on youtube and put a link up, but to get you started, it has these words in it..."think about His love, think about His goodness, think about His Grace, that brought us through, for as high as the Heaven's above, so great is the measure of our Father's love...." I don't even know if that is the right order of the words for that song, but that's the order He keeps playing over and over in my heart, my mind and my soul.
I know I have rambled, and I know this probably makes absolutely no sense to you at all. Just praise Jesus for healing my heart.
Here's one of the versions of the song I was referring to. Please take a few moments and reflect on His goodness.....
Think About His Love
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Chris is resting, the kids are outside playing in the "muuud."
I'm gonna sweep and mop since my grandmother is coming. The house is a mess, but at least the floors will be clean! :)
I haven't posted in a while. I treasure your prayers. While the pain in my heart is still real, I sense the Lord's healing. There are many obstacles to over-come, but we will make it.
Today, I need to ask you to pray for my husband, Chris. Chris has been sick for months. Everything he would eat makes him sick and experience excruciating abdominal, intestinal pain. Today is the first of many tests/screenings. At 11:00 he has a colonoscopy/endoscopic procedure. The original ultrasound showed an abnormality of the spleen; however, a CT showed it was fine. We are at a loss. Emotions are high for many reason... trying to lean on the One who gives me my strength.