I have purposely pulled myself away from God. I am torn and pulled apart so deep on the inside that things just don’t make since anymore.
For years I have been the one to try holding it together, to lean on my faith and to encourage others around me to do the same. Since I gave my heart to the Lord just over twelve years ago, the one thing I have always clung to is the hope that is in Christ, the never ending, never failing hope.
So . . . . why the change? Disappointment? Exhaustion? I don’t know; well, I have my ideas. . . . . but not any clear answers.
For years I have been praying the Lord would, “do whatever it takes” in my home. Honestly, I was fine as long as that wand of prayer was pointed to someone else! Once the ever soft whisper of the Father started speaking to me, I got mad. It wasn’t ME that did this, or did that, and it wasn’t ME that . . . well, you get the picture.
Here is what I realized, (one of the many things) “I have been carrying the consequences of other’s sin and not allowing the chips to fall where they may.” Yeap, I have become what is known as the “C” word in The Most Excellent Way . . . “codependent;” an enabler.
Along with setting new boundaries, more turmoil and grief and chaos began to strike the home front. The more strikes, the more pain, the madder I got. Actually, the stupider I got too because I in turn stopped, down right refused to read my Bible, quit going to Sunday School and Church and in fact, I sure can’t sing any of my favorite songs cause then I’d be singing a lie and even though my life is (was) falling apart; the one thing I wasn’t was a liar!
It took the words of a friend to show me (and yes, quite frankly it tee-totally ticked me off) that I had allowed myself to switch the roles of a victor, to a victim. I hate victim’s (no not the ones that really are victim’s, but the ones that can’t get themselves back up and keep going victim's.) No wonder I didn’t like myself anymore.
During the last few months I have been taking all these experiences, changes, excuses in and allowing not only satan, but MYSELF, to separate me more and more from my Lord. . . . . and then yesterday. . . .
My friend Gail brought the kid’s their Christmas presents as she has started a tradition of giving Christmas Ornaments at Thanksgiving so they can enjoy them through the season and then have them when they get out on their own and start their own household. I had no idea what was in store for Chris and me.
Since Gail came back from Ohio, she has had the most beautiful statue piece, one I had admired often.
It is a statue of Santa, kneeling over baby Jesus. Imagine my surprise to be given the exact same statue.
Now, imagine your just turned 5 year old asking, “Mommy, why is Santa kneeling at baby Jesus?”
At that exact moment I had to make a choice, to continue to be STUPID and continue in my temper tantrum, pitty pot, continue to let satan have a foothold in my life and defeat me, or draw a line in the sand and say, “no more.”
I chose “no more” because my answer to “why is Santa kneeling at baby Jesus” wouldn’t have been true and honorable if I continued any other way.
As a lump grew in my throat, and tears well up in my eyes just reflecting, my answer to my Kaitlyn was, “Because Kaitlyn, even santa is brought to his knees in the presence of a King.”
That’s who He is, a King. My King.
This past week I found myself in a scary situation and prayed, “Oh Lord please keep me safe.” Instantly He spoke, “Ah, so now I am a God of Convenience to you.” It was then that I missed Him. Not anything in particular, I just missed Him. I missed His love that I had rejected, I missed His touch of affirmation, I missed His very presence.
So, where does this leave me now? Not sure. Fighting pride, trying to find my place of belonging and acceptance, trying to teach my children the right path, The Path of Righteousness, NOT self righteousness.
In this lifetime I know there are many circumstances I will never understand, but what I pray is that instead of asking “why” from now on, I can ask, “What would you have me learn through this Lord?”
So, that is where I have been during the last three to six months. I can’t let my misjudgment interfere and miss out on my favorite time of the year . . . Christmas, and celebrating the birth of My King!
Thanks for reading and letting me be real,