Sunday, September 29, 2013

Kaitlyn's First Sunrise

Kaitlyn snapped pictures of the sun-setting Saturday evening as we drove across Pensacola's three mile bridge to go to her first sleep study.

Creation.  It is still stunning.

On the way out, two songs came on the radio.  The same two songs came on the radio last Sunday morning as I drove to church.  Mandisa's "Overcomer" and Philip's Craig & Dean's "You are God Alone."  I chuckled at how "convenient" that was, knowing the words of the songs penetrated deeper than I wanted to admit.

I am so thankful He still loves me enough, through  my stubbornness, to use music to woo and love on me.

Baby girl did great with the wires.  She had a few moments of anxiousness, but did very well.

Our wake up call came right at 5 a.m.  Ugh.  What a night for momma!

As we were leaving, the thought came to mind that Kaitlyn has never seen a sunrise and since no one in their RIGHT mind would ever be up at that hour . . . . why not seize the opportunity to make a memory.

McD's was open so I got a Pumpkin Latte' for me and a biscuit for Kaitlyn and we drove to the beach.  I must say, I tried Starbucks Pumpkin Latte' a while back . . . .it was burnt.  Very disappointed.  McD's was better and I got a large for less than what a small one was at Starbucks.

We stepped onto the neatly cleaned sand.  I hated to mess up the prettiness . . . . kind of like walking across vacuum cleaner marks on a freshly cleaned carpet!

There was only one other person on the actual beach, other than the John Deer Tractor pulling the clean up machine.

My heart broke at the amount of trash people left behind last night.  Much of it being washed out to sea.

Once the sun started peaking, we grabbed as much as we could and tossed it on shore so the machine could get it all.

People, when you visit a beach, or a state park, or are even walking from your car to a building or whatever . . . . take your trash with you!

We didn't get to see the actual sun rising because of the buildings, but we did have fun.

Driving over the three mile bridge back home, the sun was just rising.  It was remarkable.  I pulled over and soon as I could.  While these don't do it justice, it sure was a beautiful morning for a first sunrise for my baby girl.

As I was uploading pictures this morning, the song 10,000 Reasons came to mind . . . . "the sun comes up, it's a new day dawning . . . . . whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes."

Worship: to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Little Eyes and Mouths . . . . .

I am not sure where this post is going, or where it will lead, but I have this burning desire to write so here goes . . . .

My heart is broken because I have lead my youngest daughter the wrong way.

My son too.

My walk with the Lord has been like a weeble wabble the last three years.  Trying to cling on to a faith that was once so strong and invincible, but not willing to do anything to keep it that way.

Sure, I've had hot moments of worship and mountain top experiences, but the majority of the last three years have been deep in the valley.

I can only blame myself.  I have allowed bitterness, anger, and hurt to root deep in my heart.  Even my oldest daughter sees the hardened heart and has been quite vocal on calling me out (she gets her boldness from someone, but I can't quite figure out who! lol).

My tongue has become rather flippant with two phrases the last six months.  "What the h**!" and "Well that just p***** me off!"  fly out regularly now.  At first it bothered me, but the more I said it, the less I cared.

A few weeks ago during one of Christopher's melt downs, I was thrown for a loop when the words, "It p***** me off when you don't listen to me!" came flying out of his mouth.  The melt down stopped as I sat on the floor and cried with him, asking him to forgive me and vowing to not use that word or phrase again.

Then tonight, my precious Kaitlyn . . . . .tears fills my eyes as I think on her words. . . . .  We were laughing in the car when the radio blares so loud we both screamed in horror and laughter.  Amongst the laughter came rollings the words, "What the hell made that happen?!"

Once again, I found myself having to apologize to another child for leading them down the wrong path, for not setting the example of who I am (supposed to be) in Christ.

I've recently attempted to evaluate my choices over the last few months.

I've seen the Lord's hand in my life time and time again.  Even with me rejecting Him these several months; He has continued to speak to me and guide me.

Several nights ago, I laid in the bed and cried.  There was no long prayer.  No explanation or excuse, just, "I can't do this."

I was raised to "suck it up and do what you gotta do."  "Pull up your boot straps . . . ."  "Take the bull by the horns . . . . "

I've done that my entire life.  Before Christ, and with Christ.

It ain't workin' though.  I'm tired.  Dog tired.

I'm wondering, is that what our walk with the Lord is supposed to be?  It seems to me, (and I might be way off base here . . . ) but if that is what I'm doing, then I am depending on me and not on the Lord.  I'm not saying one shouldn't ever do, heavens no, but how much of life have I spent trying to do this on my own . . . . "you know, sucking it up and doing what I have to do??"

How does a person really and truly release self will and personal agenda to rely on God?

I don't have that answer.

Right now, I'm not even searching for that answer.

But . . . . . . .

I do know my heart is hurting.

I do know I miss my Jesus.

I do know I love Him.

I do know I am struggling with trusting Him.

I do know I am angry.

I do know I am jealous.

I do know I am disappointed.

But . . . . .

I also know, when tragedy comes to others, He's the first person I run to on their behalf.

I do know . . . . I want better than "where I am now."  

I do know I miss my deep rooted faith that at one time would not be shaken.

I do know that means opening my Bible even when I don't want to.

I do know that means discipline.

I do know that means forgiving others and myself.

I do know that means trusting Him despite my current circumstances.

I do know I can't live this thing called life without Him.

I do know I am more miserable without communion with Him than I am in my current circumstances . . . .

so I guess that's where I need to start.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns came to my mind while jotting these words down tonight.  The last few lines of the song . . . . "Be careful little eyes what you see . . . . . . "  are sang in a child's voice.  I've always said, "If it's not good enough for a child to see or say, then it's not good enough for me."

"Oh Lord, heal my wounded, angry heart.  Set me free.  Amen."

Friday, September 6, 2013

A Child's Persistence

For two years, Kaitlyn has asked me to let her join the running club at her school.

I ignored her request for those two years until it was too late for her to join. I had no desire to run and sure didn't want her doing it because it would make ME have to be accountable. . . . . . . UGH.

Well. this year . . . . . yesterday in fact, she brought home a piece of paper and said, "I'm doing this. PLEEEAAASSSEEE!"

The requirements are simple. Practice every Thursday. But they must enter a be able to run 3.1 miles before the end of the year. A real race. Oh. My. Word.

I have pinched nerves, shinsplints, degenerative discs, and ow I have to help my daughter train to run. She demanded I wake her at 5 a.m. TODAY to start training.

As a high schooler I was very active in sports, loved them. As a young adult, enjoyed my early morning runs daily. I loved running. Took little or no effort, but obesity and car accidents have taken its toll on this body of mine.

Nonetheless, my husband set the alarm for 5 a.m. today. I vividly remember only one thing.  

Rolling over. 

BUT very soon . . . . and way to soon, that pesky alarm went back off. Failing myself is one thing, but failing my daughter in something that is obviously important to her is not an option so I did what I said I would do.

Kaitlyn was slow to wake as well; until I told her she had to start running today or I was going back to bed. She immediately jumped up and said, "OH Yeah! I forgot!" (She wanted to sleep in her running clothes so she wouldn't have to get dressed that early.)

We took a friends guidance. Stretched, walked and trotted in 30 second increments this morning. Can I just say my fat jello legs are KILLING ME! Do I have to walk around today? Can I just sit and take a nap? Oh my word!

Kaitlyn asked me if we could get up that early tomorrow (Saturday). I told her absolutely not, but that we would continue our "training" tomorrow, just at a better hour :) 5 a.m. definitely came too early for this momma!