Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sick And Tired...

When I first wanted to get my life together, quit drinking, I did so because I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I wanted a better life, and knew there was one out there, so I started on a journey to find it. I found what I had been looking for in Jesus Christ on October 19, 1998 at the age of 28. Through the last 10 1/2 years I have seen the Lord's hand in my life over and over. He has brought me through many valley's and over many mountain tops.

The last year of our life, though, has been one valley after another. Our marriage has been put to the test in more ways than one, our finances are constantly being put to test, our health... every aspect of our lives have been attacked. Right now there have been several surgeries, with more to come, Kayla is dealing with issues, Christopher has had a rough couple of weeks...... Actually, Christopher has had many rough weeks with emotional break downs, screaming, hitting, attacking, kicking.... its been a nightmare. The last two times I've been to Sunday School/Church I have been called out and another time they let him sit and play in one of the offices with a hand held computer game. Today, they had to keep the child gate up because he kept darting out the door. During one of his break outs, the worker that was trying to contain him received a few good kicks. In his range he flipped over a table in the room also.

This morning's Sunday School lesson was on Confidence, being "confident" in Christ, know what you know what you know.... . We also talked about doubting. I wanted to just scream out and cry.... "I'm doubting this very moment!" "What am I doing so wrong that I can't get a break?!" If the Lord is really for me, then why is He allowing the c-r-a-p to come into our lives. If He would just SHOW me what I need to learn, then I'd be glad to learn from it. I honestly can not take any more. I'm tired of struggling financially, I am tired of all the sickness and surgeries and medications, I am tired of going without, I am tired of my son's rage, I am tired of praying over a van that is falling apart, I am tired of seeing so many people succeed around me.... what am I do doing wrong? What? I am just so full of jealousy.

Usually I am able to work through all those "feelings" I've just shared, but I am really having a tough time working through them. It is taking every ounce of energy I have to keep from losing my mind over my son. I have been video taping him in his fits of rage. I'll take them with me to the appointment in August to see the Pediatric Neuro-Psychologist. There are only two of them in Escambia/Santa Rosa County, hence the appointment being made so far out. My heart is breaking, my husband's heart is breaking... the entire house hold is being affected by this little boys rage. I keep telling myself, "oh I could really go for a glass of wine." I finally shared this with my husband after today's craziness. For me, one glass of wine to simply "unwind" would turn into two, or three... then the next will be four or five, until next who knows. I know I don't want to go back to that lifestyle, but I also know I really can not take it any more. I don't know what the solution is, I feel lost, hopeless, and weary, and today, I really, really want a drink.

I really don't think I can take one more thing. I just want to go to sleep.

I really try to have positive and encouraging posts, and I am sorry for not being that way today. Some of you might read this and never come back, and for that I am sorry. I just needed to share my heart, to be real, in hopes that there is a mom, or even a dad out there, who can relate, and share with me how they got through, or are getting through.

Thanks.

5 comments:

julie said...

Stacey,
I want you to know that we are praying for you guys, always are and always have been. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but God has a plan for EVERYTHING! I look back on my albeit short life and I know the things that have happened to me have happened for a reason. God uses these events to make us stronger and push us forward. His hand is in everything. He wraps his loving arms around you and keeps you safe. He will guide you and protect you. Please keep stay in faith and know that He is always there.

Stacey said...

Thanks Jules.... love the title of your blog by the way!

The Grammy said...

It sounds like the devil has you right where he wants you......but I know you are too strong to let him win.......
Psalm 16:8
Psalm 121:1-2

Stacey,momof 2 said...

Stacey, know that you and yours are constantly in my prayers...
maybe the lesson here is take each moment... and value it in some way... maybe God wants you to slow down and treasure the positive, even the very small postitive? I think video taping the meltdowns is a great idea-- do you re-watch them with him to see what he thinks/feels--- maybe he might have some insight after the meltdown? I don't know... but I do know that you are NOT alone and this is just a step on the road of life... Love you!

sarahjanesina said...

I'm sorry that you're going through the poo...and I'll be praying for y'all. Reading your blog was like...I don't know...I remember thinking many of those same things many times during my life. I think it's okay to doubt. God can handle it. (People can't...but that's THEIR problem) He can handle your questions, and your hurt. He wants you to question and cry out- it's part of your relationship with Him. It doesn't change who He is or that He loves y'all so very much. It doesn't change that He has a future and a hope for you. I am so interested to see what happens on the other side of all "this."
You know, some people think that being "christian" means that no matter what is going on, you have to be all shiny and happy or you don't have faith. I think that's a bunch of hooey. If people who are not believers don't see us going through the poop, if they don't see us at our wits end, if they don't see how much we need God.....how can they see when God is faithful to us? How can they see it's all HIM? If we always try and have it "together" to witness, it becomes more about us than it is about Him. I've looked in scripture, but I can't find the verse that says "Once you know Jesus, everything will be hunky-dory and you will have it all together"- nope- actually, time and again it says the opposite. There will be suffering and persecution. It also says NOTHING will separate us from the love of Christ and we will ultimately have victory. Remember, in our weakness...HE is strong. It's okay to let people see it. Hang in there. All will be well and all manner of things will be well....