When I first wanted to get my life together, quit drinking, I did so because I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I wanted a better life, and knew there was one out there, so I started on a journey to find it. I found what I had been looking for in Jesus Christ on October 19, 1998 at the age of 28. Through the last 10 1/2 years I have seen the Lord's hand in my life over and over. He has brought me through many valley's and over many mountain tops.
The last year of our life, though, has been one valley after another. Our marriage has been put to the test in more ways than one, our finances are constantly being put to test, our health... every aspect of our lives have been attacked. Right now there have been several surgeries, with more to come, Kayla is dealing with issues, Christopher has had a rough couple of weeks...... Actually, Christopher has had many rough weeks with emotional break downs, screaming, hitting, attacking, kicking.... its been a nightmare. The last two times I've been to Sunday School/Church I have been called out and another time they let him sit and play in one of the offices with a hand held computer game. Today, they had to keep the child gate up because he kept darting out the door. During one of his break outs, the worker that was trying to contain him received a few good kicks. In his range he flipped over a table in the room also.
This morning's Sunday School lesson was on Confidence, being "confident" in Christ, know what you know what you know.... . We also talked about doubting. I wanted to just scream out and cry.... "I'm doubting this very moment!" "What am I doing so wrong that I can't get a break?!" If the Lord is really for me, then why is He allowing the c-r-a-p to come into our lives. If He would just SHOW me what I need to learn, then I'd be glad to learn from it. I honestly can not take any more. I'm tired of struggling financially, I am tired of all the sickness and surgeries and medications, I am tired of going without, I am tired of my son's rage, I am tired of praying over a van that is falling apart, I am tired of seeing so many people succeed around me.... what am I do doing wrong? What? I am just so full of jealousy.
Usually I am able to work through all those "feelings" I've just shared, but I am really having a tough time working through them. It is taking every ounce of energy I have to keep from losing my mind over my son. I have been video taping him in his fits of rage. I'll take them with me to the appointment in August to see the Pediatric Neuro-Psychologist. There are only two of them in Escambia/Santa Rosa County, hence the appointment being made so far out. My heart is breaking, my husband's heart is breaking... the entire house hold is being affected by this little boys rage. I keep telling myself, "oh I could really go for a glass of wine." I finally shared this with my husband after today's craziness. For me, one glass of wine to simply "unwind" would turn into two, or three... then the next will be four or five, until next who knows. I know I don't want to go back to that lifestyle, but I also know I really can not take it any more. I don't know what the solution is, I feel lost, hopeless, and weary, and today, I really, really want a drink.
I really don't think I can take one more thing. I just want to go to sleep.
I really try to have positive and encouraging posts, and I am sorry for not being that way today. Some of you might read this and never come back, and for that I am sorry. I just needed to share my heart, to be real, in hopes that there is a mom, or even a dad out there, who can relate, and share with me how they got through, or are getting through.