The Fear No Mother Wants To Know

About eight weeks ago, we had to take Christopher off of  his ADHD medication and his mood stabilizer medication.  The number one side effect with both the meds is aggression.

Christopher already struggles with aggression daily; the medications seemed to intensify it.

If I didn't take him off the meds to see if that helped, his psychiatrist was going to admit him to Lakeview for evaluation.

I started using Young Living Essential Oils to help with the many issues he has.  While the oils work wonderfully, and we LOVE them, I was having to apply much more than I can afford to replenish.  With minimal income, I have not been able to reorder what helps him.

Because of that, and with Christopher's impulsiveness and hyperness worsening to the point I am afraid he is going to hurt himself or someone else, we are forced to put him back on medications.

While this breaks my heart, it is also a relief for my heart.

The last few weeks have been hell.

Today, I experienced a fear I never want to experience again.

Christopher disappeared.

He was mad.

He did something wrong, but as most children with Asperger's, they don't get that "they" are the guilty party . . . . it is "always somebody else has done the wrong," not there's.

I thought he was outside digging.  That is what he usually does when he is mad or angry, or thinking through something.

After about ten minutes, I went to check on him to attempt talking to him to help him understand.

When I went out, he was not there.

After calling and calling, I ran through the house.

No response.

I began searching frantically for my phone to call the police.

I am in full panic mode.

"Why didn't you check on him sooner?  You knew he was mad."

"How far did he get?"

"Oh dear God, please don't let anybody get him!"

Then Chris sees him. . . . . . .

In the circle, sitting on the curb with his stick.

Just sitting . . . .  and hitting his stick on the pavement.

Panic turned into utter relief.

Do I beat him for scaring the living life out of me, or embrace him?

I did neither.

As I walked towards him, Christopher yells, "I am mad at you!  I needed to be away!"

Sitting on the curb, we talked about what happened and the whys; and how dangerous it is for him to leave the yard and not tell anybody.

Then my son and I walked home.

*Sigh*

Just thinking about it makes my head pound.

This was by far the worse incidence that has occurred in the last few weeks,  but we have experienced daily chaos and seen severe regression in his writing and communication skills.

I can not remember the name of the medication that he will be on; I will pick up the script tomorrow and see how long it takes for Medicaid to approve it.

Please be praying for Christopher, for all of us.

We are all affected by this and are desperately ready for a reprieve.

Age of Innocence

We had the privilege of watching my neighbors granddaughter before and after school last week and this week.

I caught a few shots of innocence between Kayla and her friend, and just had to share in the sweetness.

After taking a few shots of them playing, I told the girls I was there and had them do some poses.

In case you are wondering, the pallets are what we are using to divide our yard (making a fence) to keep the puppies separated from Momma Dog.  You'll be seeing more about the pups we are still fostering on here as they are up for adoption and need forever homes!  I will also post before and after pics of the fencing.

 This one's my favorite!  

Kaitlyn looks JUST like Kayla in this picture!

 This is so Kayla!

These made me smile :)

From Foster Home To Forever Home

Today we said farewell to our precious Zoe.

This picture was taken right after Zoe came home from beating parvo!  She was soooo tiny!  Notice the white on her chest makes a cross.  :)

 Kaitlyn and Christopher saying bye to Zoe :)  I laughed cause usually it is one of them with their eyes closed, but this time it was the dog!  LOL!

 Being a foster mommy to puppies . . . . so rewarding!

 Zoe gives lots and lots of kisses!  

 She knows she's leaving us . . . . 

BUT . . . . . God answered our prayers for her, that He would bring her the perfect mommy, and He did!!

 Look at that smile on her mommy's face :)

 Zoe went crazy EVERY TIME her new mommy came to visit!  It was the most precious experience to see Zoe recognize the sound of her car and her voice, even after the first visit!  Brought tears to my eyes every time!

 Zoe saying bye to Max, her brother, that also beat parvo!

We fall in love with each puppy we foster.  Each one truly is unique.  While saying bye is tough, knowing the roll we played in saving their lives is more rewarding than words can speak.

If you are interested in fostering or adopting any animals, please feel free to contact me, or you can find SouthBARK Animal Rescue on facebook.

Where He Leads Me . . . .

Sometimes where we least want to be, is where He leads.

I had a few hours this morning with no husband and no children.  THAT rarely happens in my life, so I made plans to go on a prayer walk.

I drove around this morning hoping the Lord would take me somewhere in the beauty of nature for my prayer walk, but He brought me back home.

As I walked around my yard, I picked up poop, and prayed.  Never have done it in that combination before; but what I took away from that was that even amongst the muck and the mire, I can find Him.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:13

Where ever you are, right this very moment, you can find Him. 

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine, that made a huge impact in my life, told me her view of the penny.

She said, "Regardless of the penny being on heads or tails, I will pick it up.  Every penny is good, not just the ones on heads."

She went on to explain how people often walk over a penny and see it as worthless.  She compared the penny to those we walk by, or even walk over as if they aren't even there.  She reminded me that every penny says, "In God We Trust." on it.  She said that every time she sees a penny, it is her "wink" from Jesus, as if He is saying, "You are in the right place at the right time."

I've cherished that information for many years and always smile when He sends me a penny at the right time (sorta like the feather He sends me time and time again).

Today, I had not one, but two flat tires; at two different times.

To say the least, it was a a rough day.

The second time I went to the automotive shop, stepped my foot out of the car, there on the graveled parking lot was a "wink" from heaven . . . . telling me that I was in the right place, where He wanted me.

I don't know what I was supposed to learn from today's adventure, but I am thankful for reminder of who is in control of my days.

Radical Restoration

Before you read this, please know, not one word has been typed that my husband has not read.  He is my greatest support and encourager.  He's my best friend :)  His hope, as well as mine, is that by sharing our story, one more marriage will be radically restored!


The word radical is defined as different from usual or traditional; extreme.


The word restoration (restore) is defined as to bring back to or put back into a former or original state, to renew.


As I looked these words up, I chuckled.


Let me explain.


Our Pastor started a new sermon series on "Marriage" a few weeks back.


Yesterday, being Mother's Day, we received a message that was far from directed to mothers, but to the men in the congregation on how to treat their wives, mother's, daughters.


It was powerful.


I laughed, teared up, and walked away thankful.


There was a time when I would have had nothing good to say about my husband and had a list of everything wrong he was doing; but yesterday, not only were the chuckles for some of the irritating and goofy things men in general do, but the Lord showed me in the many areas my husband had grown in our marriage.


I spent 3 years and 6 months, not only angry at my husband, but also angry at God.  I was ready to quit, not only my marriage, but God.  I felt abandoned by the one thing I knew, my faith.


When Chris and I got married I would have never imagined I would have to process what was coming.


For 28 years I had lived like the world.  I involved myself in sex, drugs, alcohol; and those activities were a daily part of my life.  When I gave my heart to the Lord, I believed Christian men would never party at strip clubs, look at porn or cheat on their wives.


Boy, did I have a lot to learn.


My expectations were naive.


I came home from being gone for three days and two nights with a modeling event for Kayla.


Nothing seemed different, everything was as it should be.


A few days later I went to look at my laptop history to find a link I had googled before leaving town.


The history had been cleared.  I was confused, so asked Chris about it.  He said it was nothing.


The next night, I "accidentally" accessed my laptop history in a way I didn't know I could.


Chris obviously didn't know it either, because there it was.


Porn.


On my laptop.


It couldn't be.


My mind began racing and my heart beating so hard I couldn't process or think.


This couldn't be.


"Not Chris.  He would NEVER do this!"


I specifically remember thinking, "I married a christian man so I would NEVER have to worry about this sort of thing EVER!"


I believed I would never "feel" inferior to any woman ever again because the christian man I marry would always treat me like fine jewels and love me for who I was . . . .  for my fat, my cellulite, my rolls, my sags . . . it was going to be real love.


Those feelings of security, were gone in a flash.


The confrontation was tough.


I made his life a living hell for months and months to come.  We slept in separate rooms and if that wasn't available, he slept on a pallet on the floor.


Life as we new it was gone.


There were counseling sessions, accountability partners, steps to try and "make it right," but none of it was good enough for me.


I doubted everything.


The thought of looking at him or even touching him brought me anguish and disgust.  My daily prayer was continuously, "God do whatever it takes to bring him to his knees."  It was not a prayer of sincerity, but revenge.  In fact, many days I begged God to release me from the marriage; even secretly thinking it would be better for him to die because the thought of divorcing him would bring devastation to my children.  Through it all, I didn't want them (our children) to hurt.


In October of 2011 I began praying God would heal my marriage.


On November 4, 2011, He began showing me answers to that prayer.


I realized my husband was funny; that I had missed him; that he really was sorry for the pain he caused.


I couldn't explain it, but God was healing my heart.


In these last six months, not only has forgiveness taken place in my heart; but a love and passion so far beyond what our marriage started at that it seems unreal.


I miss him when he is at work or in class.  I yearn for those hugs I so often would reject.  Holding his hand brings me the butterflies in my tummy that once lived there when we were dating and first married.  There is a respect I have for my husband now, that I must shamefully say I never had before.


Here me, and here me clear; I am not excusing my husband's actions.  What my husband did in May of 2009 was wrong.  In my heart I believed he had committed adultery.  Getting over that was tough.  BUT, it was not until I asked God to change MY heart and heal our marriage, that there were any steps of restoration.


Through those 3 years and 6 months, I had forgotten that there were two of us.  While I knew I wasn't "perfect," I felt like my "sin" of holding bitterness and rejection was nothing compared to what "he did."  I felt like he needed to suffer and I made sure he did.


Me walking in disobedience of not reconciling with my husband was just as wrong as what my husband did.  


Sin is sin.


I can not tell you how that first prayer of, "Lord heal our marriage." began changing everything.  AND to be completely honest, I didn't mean it when I wrote it in my journal.  I wrote what I knew the Lord was telling me to write.  I wrote in obedience, and that was it.  My heart was not in it.


So when I think of restoration, and saw that definition, "to take back to the original state," I thought, "I sure don't want to go back to the original state, cause our marriage is in a MUCH better state; BUT, to have been given RADICAL restoration; yeah.  I'll take it!"


May I encourage you; ladies, to pray for your husband's, your son's, your father's, your pastor's.  Ask God to give them pure eyes.  Families are being destroyed.  Pray, also, for the men and women involved in the "entertainment" industry.  


I believe  God is still in the miracle business.  We, as Christian American's, can turn this world around!

Matthew 6:22, "The eye is the lamp of the body, and if your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light."

Old Scripture, New Meaning

This morning I put the second to last roll of t.p. out.

My first instinct was to worry; but since the Lord has been growing my faith and proven his faithfulness time and time again, I took that stinkin thinkin thought captive and claimed victory, "nope, not gonna worry about that!" and went on my way.

After Kaitlyn's t-ball game this morning, I had a sweet text from a friend asking if we had a "wish list."  I was confused, thinking she meant for the animals, but she was asking for us.

I told her no wish list, that we are practical and that toiletries are always a need.

She then asked the question that brought on the tears.  "Do you need sheets?"

I've been praying for sheets since December.  

We have had one set of sheets for nineteen months.  The elastic has been out of them for months now and they have those nasty furber things on them from where they've been warn out.  BUT, they were sheets and there are many in this world that don't even have that, so who am I to complain?!

BUT, today, the Lord not only answered a prayer request of mine for sheets, but he also supplied the toiletries and cleaners that are used daily in most homes.

Philippians 4:19 says, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

While each of our needs are different, each of our needs are real.

The scriptures tell us in Luke 16:10,  that IF we are faithful in little things, we will be faithful in large ones. But if we are dishonest in little things, we won't be honest with greater responsibilities.

While that scripture I just referred to is speaking about money, the Lord showed me recently, that for my life, it is much more.

Several weeks ago I had the honor of cleaning a friend's house.  While cleaning the house, I became emotional over how trusted I had become; so much to be allowed into an individuals home, not only while they aren't there, but to "clean their homes."  To be able to see a side of them that few are privileged to see!

It was then, in the quietness of the home, that The Father spoke.

He reminded me of a painful time in my life.

A time when a woman abused me.

She was perfect to so many, but she was a cruel, evil person.  She would spank me daily.  She would make me help prepare meals for the family and then send me to my room.  Sometimes I was allowed to eat, and sometimes not.  When I was allowed to eat, a tray was brought to my bed room door.  When my father would leave at 5 a.m. for work, she would wake me at 5:05 to begin my chores before leaving for school.  It was my  job to clean the pool, and pull weeds.  Daily.  Pantry doors would be locked to keep me from eating.  Lunch money was never given.  I stayed hungry.  I began stealing and eating out of trash cans.

I was 12 years old.

Dad traveled a lot with for the Corps and was unaware of the abuse that took place until after their divorce.  I never spoke up because I was a liar and a thief; nothing I could have said would have mattered at that time in my life.

While the few months I lived with her was very painful, and forgiveness didn't come until some time after my sobriety, there is a skill I learned from her, that I use when I have the privilege of helping a friend; she taught me how to clean.  :)

While Genesis 50:20 was a VERY important part of my recovery from alcohol and anger, it took on a new meaning that morning while cleaning my friend's house.

God showed me, that the abuse I received from her, while "she meant it for evil, God meant it for good" in order for me to be trusted with much!

If I had never been through the abuse by her hand, I would have never learned to clean and do the details I am good at, which means I would not have had the odd jobs here and there that the Lord used to help make ends meet, which means I would not have been trusted in the way in which I've been trusted to come into homes and see the personal side.  


The real side.  


The vulnerable side.  


The side that lets me see their dirty toilets and trusts that what I see, I will never disclose.  


Wow!  What an honor.  


I, my friend, have been entrusted with much.

My heart is in awe at the relationship this young girl has brought into our home.  I look forward to hearing from her weekly.  My children adore her.  She has become a light and a touch from heaven that I can not put on paper . . . . . well, you know what I mean.  :)

I don't know why I felt led to share about my step-mom's abuse today.  I don't know if any of this flows or even connects right, but I hope that someone out there that is reading this needs to know, God has a plan.

Here me and here me well, it is NOT God's plan for people to be abused.  That is evil.  But God can take ANY situation, and make it good.  I'm living proof.  IF He will do it for a wretch like me, He will do it for anyone.

Maybe you are reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, or maybe you do, but its been a long time since you've bowed your head and given him praise; oh my friend, do it today.

Do it right now.

"Father in Heaven, I come to you praising you for who you are.  I praise you for taking the painful events in my life and making them well.  I praise you for healing my heart and restoring my heart.  Oh God, please forgive me when I doubt, or speak or act in any way that does not bring glory to  you.  Father I pray for the person reading this right now.  Father God I ask for healing to take place in their hearts.  God, in your word you tell us that YOU are the healer of the broken hearted!  Bind up their wounds oh God!  God I pray for restoration of families.  I pray for men to step up and be the spiritual leaders of their home.  I pray for wives to love their husband's and children as You would have us love Lord.  I thank you for the times when you have carried me.  I thank you for loving me.  I pray for the ones that are reading this right now that do not know you as Lord.  Father God, give them the courage to speak up.  Change our lives for eternity God.  May I not wake tomorrow, the same as I am today.  In Jesus mighty, powerful, holy name I pray, Amen."

Oh, and one more thing, my step-mom used to call me "Lacey Stacey."  I live on "Lacey Circle."  The title of my book I'm writing,it's called, "Pullin' Weeds."  


God has a sense of humor.  He brings a smile to my face.  I can face anything with Him, and through Him.

Reality Check

Since taking Christopher off many of his meds, he has become VERY clingy and "wanting me," ALL the time.

I was complaining about it just last night, and this morning received this text from a friend:

My three year old was on my heels no matter where I went. Whenever I stopped to do something & turned back around, I would trip over him.  I Patiently suggested fun activities to keep him occupied. But he simply Smiled an innocent Smile & said, "Oh that's alright Mommy, I'd rather be here with you." Then he continued to bounce Happily along behind me.  After stepping on his toes for the fifth time, I began to lose Patience. When I asked him why he was acting this way, he looked up at me with sweet green eyes & said, "well Mommy, my teacher told me to walk in JESUS' Footstep! I can't see HIM, so I'm walking in yours!" 

"Oh Lord, may I walk in your steps so close that all my children see is you.  Amen."

Why Did God Make Fleas?!

When I get to heaven, I have many questions to ask God.  One of them being, "What's up with the fleas?!"  (Of course, I know, that when I get to heaven, I will no longer care about the flea!"

My point, the fleas are driving me nuts, but that has nothing to do with the cuteness of my boy that I just had to share!

Anyway, I got some flea stuff for the yard.

Have to get as man leaves up as possible.  Um, hello.  Have you SEEN my yard!?!

Chris is studying for exams this week, so out I go . . . blower in hand to try and conquer this leaf filled yard.

I told Christopher, "Christopher, I'll give you a penny for every stick you pick up!"  Yes, I am cheap; but I'm poor so I have to be! lol!  He gets excited cause there are LOTS of sticks.

A few minutes later, this cute little boy walks up to me, grinnin' from ear to ear.

He then raises his hands in the air and says, "Mommy, you know; a LOT of those sticks have limbs on them . . . ."  Me, "Yeah, I know."  Christopher, "Well, you know, I could get a LOT more pennies if I break all those limbs off!" Christopher, "BIG GRIN."

I just love him :)