July 15, 2010

I know we are all going to die; but I have been filled with fear of death.  I’m afraid I am going to die of a heart attack.  I have tried half a dozen times to lose weight and failed every time. 

During the last twelve years of my sobriety, I have seen many people walk into a Most Excellent Way meeting, talk the talk and in a few months they are gone.  Some make it years and yet still throw it away.  I always thought, “If you just had some more faith, then you could beat this addiction you have.”  I don’t know if I was shallow, ignorant, or arrogant; or maybe a combination of all three?!  Or maybe it really is a faith issue?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that every time I have failed in my attempts to lose weight, I think, “If I could just have enough faith then I could do this;” but I can’t.

I don’t want to me; but I’m afraid.

So, with fear in my heart, and dread, I went and signed back up for Weight Watchers yesterday.  It’s the only tool I’ve used that has helped me to lose weight at all in the last five years, unfortunately, I just didn’t stick with it.

I don’t want to stick with it this time; I eat for comfort.  Instead of drinking the last twelve years, I’ve eaten.  When I am anxious, I eat; when I am sad, I eat; when I am “happy,” I eat; I love to cook; I like good food and I love to feed people.  I just don’t know when to stop, … same to when I would drink.  I did it all the way to the max and took it to the extreme.

The word that keeps coming to my mind is balance. 

Growing up I loved sports.  I loved working out with my dad in the gym as a young adult.  Loved it.  I miss that. 

I have been hungry all day and have had a horrible headache all day.  More than likely it’s from no cokes today or sweet tea.  I drank above and beyond the amount of water I am supposed to drink, so that is a good thing.

I actually ate my number of points I am allowed to have.  Dinner though, was a nightmare.  Dried out bland chicken …. it didn’t get eaten.  My salad left me hungry and tired, so hungry I asked my husband to go to Chic-fil-A for me and get me a Char Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Fruit Cup and an Un-Sweet tea.  For the first time all day I am satisfied.

I would appreciate your prayers as I attempt to lose this weight that is “weighing” me down.  Please pray that I would have the desire to do this and reach the goals at hand.

Thanks.