I know we are all going to die; but I have been filled with fear of death. I’m afraid I am going to die of a heart attack. I have tried half a dozen times to lose weight and failed every time.
During the last twelve years of my sobriety, I have seen many people walk into a Most Excellent Way meeting, talk the talk and in a few months they are gone. Some make it years and yet still throw it away. I always thought, “If you just had some more faith, then you could beat this addiction you have.” I don’t know if I was shallow, ignorant, or arrogant; or maybe a combination of all three?! Or maybe it really is a faith issue? I don’t know.
What I do know is that every time I have failed in my attempts to lose weight, I think, “If I could just have enough faith then I could do this;” but I can’t.
I don’t want to me; but I’m afraid.
So, with fear in my heart, and dread, I went and signed back up for Weight Watchers yesterday. It’s the only tool I’ve used that has helped me to lose weight at all in the last five years, unfortunately, I just didn’t stick with it.
I don’t want to stick with it this time; I eat for comfort. Instead of drinking the last twelve years, I’ve eaten. When I am anxious, I eat; when I am sad, I eat; when I am “happy,” I eat; I love to cook; I like good food and I love to feed people. I just don’t know when to stop, … same to when I would drink. I did it all the way to the max and took it to the extreme.
The word that keeps coming to my mind is balance.
Growing up I loved sports. I loved working out with my dad in the gym as a young adult. Loved it. I miss that.
I have been hungry all day and have had a horrible headache all day. More than likely it’s from no cokes today or sweet tea. I drank above and beyond the amount of water I am supposed to drink, so that is a good thing.
I actually ate my number of points I am allowed to have. Dinner though, was a nightmare. Dried out bland chicken …. it didn’t get eaten. My salad left me hungry and tired, so hungry I asked my husband to go to Chic-fil-A for me and get me a Char Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Fruit Cup and an Un-Sweet tea. For the first time all day I am satisfied.
I would appreciate your prayers as I attempt to lose this weight that is “weighing” me down. Please pray that I would have the desire to do this and reach the goals at hand.