I pray every day, God, please let my outside be pretty like my inside. When I am praying that, I am referring to my heart.... my soul. There was a time I was filthy, nasty dirty on the inside, but was physically gorgeous. While I don't miss the dirtiness of my insides, I do miss the prettiness of the outside.
I am obese. Not just obese, but morbidly obese. I hate it, yet "feel" I have no control over it. My doctor wants to do blood work that is not covered by health insurance. How crazy is that?! She believes I have a disorder, I have every symptom but one, but it can't be verified without this blood work.
At this point, she informed me my liver probably looks worse now that it did when I was getting drunk every day. She is certain if I do not do something drastic, I will die prematurely. Now, I know this information. In fact, if I was reading this on someone elses blog, I'd say, "duh!" But knowing it and having to deal with it first hand, it's a tough one.
My health is bad. I am being treated for one of the three..... My Rheumatologist isn't sure which one one it is, if not a combination of all three.... Inflammatory Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and/or Lupus. While the blood work was only slightly elevated, and not enough for a diagnosis, with the symptoms and flare ups I am having, she felt it best to go ahead and "treat the symptoms." There's a word for that, but I can't remember the term she used.
My other doctor said I have to do something drastic. I just "feel" like I can't take one more thing on, more less D-I-E-T!
Here's the really hard part, she is planning on putting my body through a detox of foods, sugars, processed food products. Yeap. I think I'm gonna have a cow. A big one.
The doctor says it is obvious I have never dealt with how to deal with stress in my life, or I wouldn't have replaced the alcohol with food.
So, in a few weeks, my life will be turned up side down. I will go through very similar withdrawals as an alcoholic does, or a drug addict because my body is addicted to the cokes, the sugars, the cereals, the breads, the processed foods.....
The last thing my doctor wants to do is set me up for failure, or she would have started this last week.
I am numb to this right now, dreading it at the same time, kind of just not sure. It's like preparing for a hurricane, only you don't really ever know until it gets here just how traumatic and devastating it's going to be.
So, I mention this now because I've been chewing it on for just over a week now. Literally chewing on it. I have ulcers in my mouth, my stomach, headaches....
If any of you ready my blog or are friends, you know the amount of stress I am under. Quite frankly, I'm scared. One thing I know though, is I have to made a change. If I was going to destroy my body with food, then I should have just kept on drinking. Not really, but the damage part. Even typing hurts this morning as my fingers are swollen and stiff and I keep making mistakes.
Ironically the word "change" keeps coming to mind. Not a very good word in today's current situation. If you live in the Gulf Power/Southern Company area you are familiar with the tune, "a little change will do ya good!" I keep replaying that silly jingle in my head.
I'm rambling, my bed needs to be made, clothes folded, AVON delivered, and much more, so will get off.
Blogging is my way out and way of journaling. I will update my journey. Would love your encouragement and support, your prayers, but if you get sick of it, I understand too.
You know, I just want to play softball again. I want to help coach my kids. I want to ride the rides with my kids at the fair. It's been the same desire for years now, I just can't get it to flow from my heart to my brain to get the will power to close my stinkin' mouth! Ugh!
Thanks for the prayers.