I'm Free To Be Me!

OK, first, stop and click this link and listen to the words of this song. It's amazing.


Echoing Angels FREE (This will take you to my myspace account, which will start playing the song automatically. Hit the back button to come back to this post.)

Now, in order to share the "wowness" of my morning, I have to be real about some thing I would rather nobody ever know.... sigh....

I have a huge pride problem, non-content problem. I struggle with the "why's" and "why nots" big time. Now, that might seem silly to some, but it's been a huge problem for me.

I have struggled with envy, wanting what others have. "Why can't I have that, why do we struggle, I want a boat, I want a new house, new furniture, why do we have to struggle so much, why, why, why....why can't I belong to a group, place, why does my name not mean anything... why? Why do they have an immaculate house and yard, why do we only have one car, why?" Here's a tough one, "Why am I so fat?" I hate the way I look, hate it! I avoid people I haven't seen in years because of it. I hate the way I look. Why can't I look like others that are thin and can wear cute clothes without bulges?! I have lost friendships and backed away because of those hurt and jealous feelings. I have wanted to be involved with a group just be recognized, for someone to notice my heart or maybe good deeds. Nothing. Ouch, crappy place to be. Does that mean my actions were false, I hope not, I don't think so. For me, my intentions for involvement were genuine, but the hope of recognition still gleamed. Does that make since? If it doesn't, that's OK; because it makes since to me. I also struggled with pride. I convinced myself that I was not boasting on me, but what on the Lord had and has done in my life, but man do I see how I was using that for name recognition. Ouch again. "Father forgive me." I knew it was all about the Lord and what He had brought me through, but I played on that.

Sunday morning, while sitting in the 11:00 a.m. church service. Pastor Traylor began speaking. Now, folks, He was speaking of the Holy Spirit, the Helper.... and hadn't even started really preaching, when I started scribbling on my Worship Guide. I wrote, "Free to be ME! don't have to have a group, or name recognition, I am called to feed people, to love on people-nothing else matters." Whoa. I was a little freaked by this because in that very moment, He showed me all the people I had affected that week. Nobody had to know, but at that moment, I saw how my obedience to what I consider to be "little," or maybe "non-important," was huge. Now, I don't mean that arrogantly, I mean, huge in regards to "Kingdom Work." I was overwhelmed with aweness at that very moment, which continues still.

I have a passion for feeding people. Years ago I thought that meant the homeless. Now, while I do believe that the Lord is going to provide a way for me to feed the homeless, what He showed me was that each and every living person becomes hungry on a daily basis. He showed me, that in order to reach their heart, to really get them to listen, I had to feed their stomachs first. If a person has a choice to listen to their stomach rumbling or a person sharing Christ, they are going to listen to their stomach every single time.

I have had the privilege of being involved with feeding people for the last six years. First at Olive with running the kitchen there; then I started making these Chicken Pot Pies, and friends and family started buying them here and there, then I started working at Pine Summit cooking on Wednesday's for dinner, and continued to sell pies and other casseroles I make. Now, I am not working. In the last few months I have made more pot pies and casseroles than I can count. I am feeding people, while also bringing in a little to help. My passion... to feed people. The Lord has given me the "free reign" ability into a person's heart by filling their stomachs ya'll!

What the Lord showed me was this past week, I was doing what He has called me to do. To love on people, sometimes the unlovable and unwanted, sometimes those people are in the pew next to me..... sometimes its a young girl who gets pregnant and just needs to see Christ in someone not passing judgement, sometimes in an alcoholic who just can't beat this thing, or a woman who can't stop having affairs, or a child who really wants to do better, but doesn't know how...., to put my arms around a woman who has been hit, to listen to that ever soft voice that says, "so and so needs a card..." and get up and send it. I don't have to be involved in a group to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking within me or have name recognition! (I guess the sermon from Sunday does go along with this!!! I got goosebumps!)

This morning I sensed the Lord leading me in a different direction for my quiet time. On July 7th 2008, Eddie Echarri, who has gone on to be with the Lord, gave me a Bible for my 10 year sobriety. It is a NKJ translation and a Nelson Study Bible. The Christmas before that my husband gave me a HCSB. I found that I was continuously going to that Bible Eddie gave me for cross references, definitions, and such. Last week, I started picking up the Bible Eddie gave me first, in fact, I used it in Church on Sunday. This morning, I did a word search on the word "Free." There are 11 cross references for that word. Underneath the word "Free," were the following words, "Freed, Freedman, Freedom, Freewoman." I was intrigued with "Freewoman." I've been a Christian for a little over 10 years, and while I have much to learn, I was shocked I had not seen that word before. I looked up the scripture reference of Galatians 4:22 and 30. I then went and read Galatians 4: 21 - 31. You should go read it. BUT, that's not all that happened, "Freeman" jumped off my notes, so I looked up I Corinthians 7:22. Oh my goodness, that's when it happened. I was given the confirmation of what the Lord was telling me on Sunday in church! I went back to the beginning of the section, verses 17 - 24, ya'll, here's what the title of the section is called in my Bible, "LIVE AS YOU ARE CALLED!!!" Hello.... can I get any bigger goosebumps?! Now, I have read this passage before, but it was not until today...today, that I truly was given insight to this passage. Instantly, my "Why can't I have a new house, furniture, a second car, more money, name recognition, abilities, my body".... those why's seemed to not matter anymore. I have been picked by the Master to tend to the hearts and love on people. He has given me a passion, desire, and gift to feed people; and He is using it to reach those hurting hearts. I can and will graciously live with that.

Whew! What a morning, but guess what, THERE'S MORE! The Lord gave me a visual (I'm a visual learner) on everything I've just talked about. On Thursday of last week, Christopher and I planted some black eye peas in the garden. They were all planted at the same time, the same depth, they've all received the same amount of water and sunshine each day; even prayed over them.... but each one has come up at different times ya'll. Last night, I wish I had my camera, there was a small place where the ground was breaking. If I hadn't known there was pea down there, I would have missed it. Right next to it was the tip of a pea plant, further down was another, and another, and then there was one that was already an inch or two in height and had pretty leaves on it. This morning, Christopher and I went out to take pictures. What the Lord showed me, each bush is going to produce when it is supposed to, regardless of what was all done at the same time, it will produce the vegetable it needs to produce when its particular germination process is complete.... hhhmmmm..... what a visual.

So, now that I have completely "exposed" myself, "I'M FREE!" Go listen to that song again. There are a few more that are on their as it is my playlist on myspace. Good songs.

Have to get my AVON order in and check papers. Later.