"Lord, Turn My Fear, Into Faith . . . "

Our only car broke down Friday afternoon on my way to a cleaning job. 

The intake manifold has a hole in it; either that or there is a blown head gasket.  Estimated repairs ran from $550 to $1200; more if it's the head gasket.  We were without a vehicle indefinitely. 

I went to bed last night unsure.  Was taking it all in; trying to not be faithless, but living in reality.

When I awoke this morning, the heaviness I carried had transformed into a peace that I knew everything was going to be OK.  Not OK with the car; but OK with the circumstances we faced. 

We can learn bus routes.

We can change schedules.

We can walk.

It was going to be OK.

This was my morning's journal notes:

"Well, Lord, where do I begin?  All I know to do is make a list of my fears and give them to you, so here goes:

With no vehicle,

1. Chris' classes at night -- how will he get home?  9:40 at night in the cold and rain, plus it is so far away to ride a bike
2. Kaitlyn to school and home
3. Christopher to PATS and home
4. Appointments with Christopher's therapist and psychiatrist
5. Appointments with Christopher's occupational therapist
6. Appointments with Christopher's speech
7. The thought of not getting to Pine Summit Baptist Church breaks our (mine and Chris') hearts
8. Prescriptions for kids
9. How do I get to the houses I need to clean?
10. How will Chris get to his side job?
11. How do I get clothing to Nothing Lost Outreach for the homeless?

I am sure there are more than that underneath the yuck and frustrations.  I don't know your reasons for allowing us to lose our only car, but I give you this list of worries. 

Turn my fears into faith and opportunities to glorify You, Lord.  I'll do it time and time again.

I trust Your provisions to either have the car repaired or replaced; or money to ride the bus and a peace while working out schedules. 

While I am fighting emotions, I need You to know I trust You.

I reiterate again, what I have said before, I'll take poor with You than riches on earth any day.

Take my fears, answer them as praises - be glorified."

Then my "Jesus Calling" devotional (which I always read AFTER journaling) read,

"LET ME BLESS YOU with My grace and Peace.  Open your heart and mind to receive all that I have for you.  Do not be ashamed of your emptiness.  Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My Peace.

It is easy to touch up your outward appearance, to look as if you have it all together.  Your attempts to look good can fool most people.  But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being.  There is no place for pretense in your relationship with Me.  Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood.  Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy.  Little by little, I will transform your weakness (the fear I journaled about) into strengths (the faith I desire).  Remember that your relationship with Me is saturated in grace.  Therefore, nothing that you do or don't do can separate you from My presence."

I Samuel 16:7, But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Romans 8:38 - 39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

That quickly, He confirmed my hearts desire to trust Him more!

We had  UpWard Basketball games this morning at Olive Baptist. 

My sister picked us up and took us home.  I am thankful for her husband in coordinating transportation for his family, so my family could get there. 

On the way home I had a message from the mechanic.  Our last conversation last night was for him to not do anything as we only had $200 to our name and that was for the power bill; that I would call him today and let him know what we would do with the car.

His message stated that he had a mechanic that does side work.  The mechanic had a used manifold thing (the part that has a hole in it). The cost (including the used part and his labor), $140.  If he can not reuse my car's oil gasket's, then it would be $40 more.  If I was interested, to give him a call.

Yes.

I CALLED HIM BACK QUICKLY!

Our car  now sits in our driveway.  It was ready before 4:00 p.m. today.

The total was $160.  The extra $20 had to cover new spark plus as the ones that were in it were destroyed from gasoline flooding the engine.

There is no warranty; but we have a car.  I'm not worried though, who needs a warranty when I have a Savior.

A Savior that tells me "my ways are not His ways."

A Savior that tells me, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

A Savior that tells me, to "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. "

I could go on with all the scripture references of His provisions, of His merciful and gracious hand, but I will leave you with an encouraging word and scripture that I received from a dear sweet friend . . . . she wrote,

"Had you on my mind and God breathed this verse (though I don't usually quote the last sentence, you need it!): 

"There is none like the God of Israel who rides the heavens to your help (MY rescuer) and through the skies in His majesty.  The eternal God is a dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.  And He drove out the enemy from before you, and said, 'DESTROY!' "  Deut. 33:26-27

As I am covered in goosebumps from that scripture, THIS SONG came to my mind! 

BE READY FRIENDS!  HE IS COMING! 

"Father, I pray you will find me faithful in glorifying You, in all things.  Forgive me when my faith is little.  I praise You for Your provisions.  Thank you for the way you met the needs of our family.  I praise You Father!  Amen!"

Fibromyalgia, Baptizing, Grace AND Forgiveness!

Several years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  FINALLY, there was a "name" to all these "feelings of insanity!"

In recent months a friend of mine, Ann Ferguson, started a blog, Restoring My Soul.  She is also on facebook; you can find her here at: Restoring My Soul FB.

I have also added a link to her blog under "My Blog List," located on the left side of this page.

IF you live with and struggle with Fibromyalgia (or any other disorders that leave you drained and exhausted), then I encourage you to check out her sites!    I promise, you will find helpful tips and encouraging scriptures!

I also added the Pine Summit Baptist web site under, "My Links."  Several weeks ago, we sensed the Lord moving in our lives and He confirmed over and over the move; making Pine Summit our home church.

With that said, Christopher will be Baptized on Sunday night at Olive, by Jon Dubois.  Jon led Christopher to the Lord on September 23, 2011. 

We received an answer to prayer regarding Kaitlyn yesterday.  Will share a post about that in the coming days.  The answer to prayer gave us a glimmer of hope.  We are thankful, but also feel horrible for thinking what she was doing was for attention. 

Thank God for grace and forgiveness!  They sure go hand in hand!

Blessings my friends,

Stacey

Crock Pot Chicken Pot Pie Stew! Oh MY!

WARNING!  If you do not have SELF CONTROL, then do NOT make this if you have trouble stopping with one serving . . . not helping, serving! 

I got the recipe off of allrecipes.com and searched for slow cooker chicken recipes. 

I changed the recipe a bit; so I am going to give it to you as I made it.  You can adjust and make it your own as I did; but it's super great and super easy!

3 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts cut into small bites
2 1/2 medium red potatoes, quartered
1/2 cup baby carrots
1/2 cup chopped celery
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of celery
1 tsp Chicken Base (I thought it was too salty, so the next time I fix this I will not add it. Chris thought it was perfect . . . so it depends on your salt taste.)
1/2 tsp Garlic Salt
Black Pepper
16 ounces frozen mixed vegetables

Combine chicken, potatoes, carrots, celery, soup, chicken base, garlic salt, black pepper in crock pot.  Cook on high for 4 hours.

Stir in frozen mixed veggies into the slow cooker and cook 1 hour more.

The recipe showed serving it over biscuits; well I didn't have any and WAS NOT going to make them from scratch (would have defeated the purpose of crock pot cookin' to me!); so I pulled out good ole Pillsbury Crescents! 

It was FANTASTIC!  Yes, biscuits would have been better; but wow! 

I have been really trying to watch my eating; and started to not even eat this; but I had a very small portion with one crescent and am full!  It does not take much to satisfy; promise!

Hope you enjoy!

Stacey

Worshipping Idols

This morning, a friends facebook status read, ""Avoid comparing yourself to someone else. You are on your own journey, and only you (and God) can define the path you're going to take."

Reminded me of something Pastor Donnie said Sunday, "Who are you modeling yourself after and trying to be like?  If it is anyone other than God, then you have just worshipped an idol." 

WHOA! 

Instantly, I knew I was guilty as charged.

Why do we do it?

Why do we want so desperately what others have? 

Why at 40 years old would a person still secretly yearn to be a part of the "in crowd?" 

Why does that matter?

Is it not being content in all things?

Is it seeing special treatment and yearning for that acceptance?

Is it that twang of jealousy that you thought was dealt with?

I don't know the answers to those questions, but what I do know is that my personal walk is being challenged, and purified . . . . refined as silver.

Over the last three months I have gorged daily.

I have gained 10 pounds of the 54 I lost.

I had already struggled eating since my surgery; and then as the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday's approached, and baking crept in, and snack foods appeared; and toss in to that the emotions of having my oldest daughter "fly the coop," I was one big blubbering mess.

Every morning for three months I popped chocolate while drinking my coffee.

Every time I walked in or through the kitchen I reached for something to put in my mouth.

Every night before bed, I had cookies and milk or pop tart loaded with butter with a glass of ice cold milk.

Every morning, I cried out to God, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! 

As each day has continued in this vicious cycle for three months, I have found more and more reason to have conflict with my husband.  Evey little thing he has done has driven me NUTS! 

Each day that continued I felt more sorry for myself and beat myself up more and more.  My journaling turned to whining instead of praising. 

"Why couldn't I get my focus back?  What is wrong with me?" were daily questions, asked multiple times a day.

My heart was yearning, but my head was telling myself I couldn't do and it was just a waste of time to even try. 

God has given me the most remarkable woman to be my accountability partner.  Just days ago, she called to check in on me, and when she asked how I was doing I said, "Well, I have a bag of Cheetos (the crunchy ones, not those filled with air) in front of me I've been eating and now I am on to popcorn and milk duds; what does that tell you?"

She said, "Stacey, I heard in your voice something just wasn't right.  You know you can tell me anything." 

Yes.  I was able to unload burden after burden.  I knew that because of Whose she is.  She has invested time in me and I knew  she would be praying and making intercession on my behalf. 

Yesterday morning, I cut through the crap and journaled, "I am miserable.  I am gorging.  Please help." 

God spoke, "It is time."

With that, I went to the kitchen to prepare the first healthy breakfast I have had in months; 2.5 oz of lean ham, an egg, and an apple. 

Feeling a sense of, "Ok, I can do this;" I messaged my mentor of this accomplishment.

To my amazement, she responded, "You were sooo on my heart when I was getting ready this morning. The phrase, "Don't undo the work I have done in you" came from God. And it was intercession for you, my friend! It's all good. Love you much!"

Just reading those words again, taking in a deep breath and getting fresh oxygen to the brain and lungs rejuvenates me!

As women, we (I) must stop comparing ourselves (myself) to other women; to their size, to their house, to their cars, to the number of friends they have, to their wallets, to their activities, . . . no wonder plastic surgery is so popular and the world is in debt. 

We are worshipping idols!  (Ok, maybe none of you reading this are guilty of it, but I am.)

"Lord forgive me I pray.  Take my walk deeper than ever.  Keep me ground and ever so dependent on You and You alone.  Amen."

The Hand of God

I am in awe. 

Chris went out to get the cat in; there were about eight bags of groceries on our front porch! My mind is blown! God met some secret needs and used someone that wished to remain anonymous to do it. We've been home all night; didn't hear a thing . . . . of course, if one of the kids was a hollarin' we wouldn't have heard anyone if they banged and banged! But that's another story! 

Thank you, whoever was used to provide. 

I pray you are blessed beyond your thoughts, and that God awe's you in a way that you did us tonight!

Shalom!

WHAT Is Normal?!

I am struggling today.

No, I've been struggling for several weeks now; it's just to the point now I am slap worn down.

In the midst of every day life we expect trials; I know this.  The scriptures tell us in John 16:33 that we WILL have troubles in this world, but that we are to FEAR NOT for He has overcome the world.  It also tells us that IN HIM, we can have peace.  *Sigh . . . . * 

So where is my peace?

While I continue with my journaling, my quiet time, and even recently, our family has started reading the Bible together at night and having a prayer time involving all of us, I still have no peace,  no comfort, no sense of making sense.

Instead, I am angry, jealous, and convinced God messed up big time when He gave me not one, but two special needs children.

I know.  I am sure as you read that you gasped thinking I am a horrible mother; and that is OK for you to think that.

I love my children with all my heart; probably too much. 

In fact, on a side note, let me give you an example of why I say that.

My oldest daughter, Kayla, flew out Thursday night (a week ago tonight) to be with her fiance that is stationed in San Diego, CA.  They were married Friday at 2:45 p.m. Pacific Time at the court house amongst some friends. 

Kayla kept me alive through years of drunken stupidity.  MANY times I wanted to die and had it all figured out how to  make that happen; but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that resonated deep within that if I killed myself, then her dad would raise her.  He was a drunk (and still is) as well.  In my, at the time sick and demented mind, I could do a better job than he could with raising her, so I always chickened out.

I've carried that secret with me for many years, until now. 

While cleaning a house the Friday afternoon after she flew out, I lost it emotionally.  I cried for two house, sobbing and weeping; realizing she was gone.  Amongst my cry out to God, I said, "God, how will I ever go on without her?  She was my life!" 

It was then, I heard from God.

He said, "Stacey, have you ever wept over the things of God like you are weeping over your daughter?"

THEN, I wept in seeking repentance, because the answer, was "No, Lord, I have not."

In trying to keep that ugly honesty in the forefront of my brain, to try and love God more than my children, and to weep over the things that truly cause God pain, in dealing with in general "life" issues, there still remains the fact that I have two special needs children that I love and adore above all things; that bring smiles to my face time after time again, that count of me to help them when they can't make things right; that are sucking the life out of me. 

It is at this point of exhaustion and lack of sleep, lack of answers, and wanting to know what God was thinking when He gave a once drunk, with a HOT temper, two children that would need more love and patience than I can sometimes give.

It is then . . . . . in those weak moments that I become jealous, envious, and yes, sometimes angry over what other have.

No, I am not talking about financially here people.  I am FINALLY at peace with the fact that we are poor.  I am at peace with the fact that we are in a house . . . . no, a home, that is falling apart.  I am at peace with the fact that we have one beautiful car covered in white chipped paint and the beautiful color of . . . . hmmmm, what's that called, rustic red?!  Ha!  I am at peace with the fact that we do not go on vacations, that we do not buy just because.  I am at peace and FINALLY ok with the fact that when my friends are out getting pedicures and their nails done that I am scrubbing mud clumps out my son's fingernails, I am at peace and THANKFUL for hand me down furniture and clothing, and I am at peace with ALL of that because my God has provided again, and again, and again for us . . . He has been faithful above and beyond in meeting the needs of many needs, and EVEN some of those wants we have!   Because of seeing the hand of God so many times in these areas of provisions, I know beyond a shadow of doubt, my God has my family's back . . . .   For THAT I give Him praise!

The jealousy and envy I speak of, that rages in me is one that is so shameful that I hate to even admit.

It's the jealousy of "normal" kids.

Now, before I go on, don't tell me what normal is.  Ok.  I've heard it all before.  I know there are many levels of normality out there.  I also know there are families that have it a lot worse than we do; so I try, in my chaos of a life to be thankful . . . I really do.

The normality I am talking about wanting is a child that can sit still for more than 3 minutes.  A child that doesn't punch and scream and yell at the rest of the family cause he can't figure out what is going on in his brain.  A child that switches from rage to tears in a heart beat when he realizes he just hit his momma, or bit her, or pulls his sister's hair out, or runs screaming from one end of the house to the other without any control because he heard something; or runs out the house screaming bloody murder like he is being beaten and genuinely fearful of his life . . .  Or a child that doesn't wake up screaming and crying because she itches all over, or seams in her pants and shirts don't bother her, and cries for four hours because she can't make just one letter perfect, so the erases, and re-erases, and re-erases over and over trying to form that one. perfect. letter.  Or the child that doesn't have to not only have tags cut out, but even the tagless clothing items don't bother them because even the tagless items still itch because those stupid black letters are rough.  Or a child that isn't afraid to take showers because she can't get dry afterwards and that doesn't cry and try for hours to get dry when they already are.  Or what about a child that is afraid to go pee because she can't get the wet feeling to go away and holds it for 12 hours a day until her stomach hurts.

Those, and many more other reasons, are why I am sincerely struggling and weary this morning.

I know, I know, I know, God has a plan.

I know that in my weakness He is my strength (trust me, He is the one doing ALL the carrying right now). 

I know His grace is sufficient. 

I know God uses cracked vessels (and I definitely have lots of cracks, lumps, and stretches too!).

I know God has a plan. 

I know all the scriptures; I know these things.

But still, even loving my children with all this momma's heart, I find myself wishing for just a glimpse of normality. 

And then, in that same wish for a glimpse of normality, I find myself fearful of how that prayer would be answered; and I try to once again, be grateful for what I have been given.

If you are reading this, your prayers are needed for us today.

Our youngest has a doctor appointment this morning to check for a bladder infection from holding her urine so long and to check into occupational therapy for her.

For the days Christopher has good days, I am thankful; as many of my Kaitlyn's have been horrifying.  When they both are having bad days, it is more draining that words can even explain.

I thank you for your intercession on our family's behalf.  At times, it is the only comfort we have.

In my prayer journal this morning I wrote, "Hear my cries, Lord.  Strengthen and encourage me this day.  I need to see Your hand.  I love you and trust you.  Amen."